Time was when I conducted an exercise in crowd-sourcing over at FanGraphs called "Nickname Seeks Player." in which I would propose a nickname and allow readers to nominate and ultimately vote on candidates to receive the nickname in question. Some of the outputs were, I would submit, rather fitting. For instance, the nickname "$45 Couch" went to Yuniesky Betancourt. Voters gave "Bad Miracle" to Wily Mo Pena. "Gargoyle O'Boyle" was Joba Chamberlain. "A Garbage Truck That Runs on Lightning" was Matt Stairs.
All of that was well and good enough, but recently, rather than tend to more necessary obligations, I was ruminating on which of the Nickname Seeks Player pairings was most worthy of implementation and lasting cultural foothold. I settled on this: Adrian Beltre as "Interrobang."
It actually took three rounds of voting to break the tie between Beltre and Nyjer Morgan (Morgan was eventually given the nickname "Dionysus with Rabies"), but Beltre prevailed in the end. As he should have. At this point, the uninitiated reader may be wondering what an "interrobang" is. It is this:
(Image: The Oncoming Hope)
Or, if you prefer ...
(Image: Mini. Quiet Babylon)
In either case, the conjugual union of a question mark and an exclamation mark yield the interrobang. It is a statement of agape wonder, mortal confusion and human amazement. It is the way one would punctuate a thunderclap, were one to need to do such a thing at any point. Interrobang?!
I don't think I take leave of any senses when I posit that Adrian Beltre is the baseball embodiment of an exclamation mark locked in a question mark's captive embrace. "Did he just do that? He just did that!" is a thing those who watch Adrian Beltre ply his trade wind up asking/exclaiming.
This, after all, is a man who stands as one of the greatest defensive third basemen of all-time, who's fast approaching 400 home runs, who's another two seasons or so from 3,000 hits and who's amassed almost 80 WAR. This is a future Hall of Famer (assuming justice and horse-sense prevail). However, and more to the point of this bit of advocacy, this is also a man who does things like this ...
And who does things like these ...
Adrian Beltre - Ranger GIFS
When you viewed the above series of color-television GIFs assembled by the lovely and talented @DShep25, did you not mutter "?" and "!" or "!" and "?" and finally "?!" or "!?"? Yes, you did. You did because Adrian Beltre is a valet to the impossible. You did because Adrian Beltre is Interrobang.
Let it also be said that Beltre approaches the baseball world about him with a sense of interrobang. He is at once befuddled and roused to revenge fantasies when someone touches his head. And consider the onomatopoeic qualities of the final syllable. Bang is the sound when Beltre, on bended knee, hits a circuit clout. Bang is the sound of a line drive popping safely in his glove. Bang is the sound of one of his mighty potato-cannon throws -- after he ranges into foul territory, of course -- devastating the first baseman's mitt. Bang is the sound of the report that shall be heard when one of Elvis Andrus's chronic incursions afield finally leads Beltre to smack him across the chops.
Sometimes, though, Adrian Beltre is even interrobanged by his own baseball skills ...
There are layers to it, you see, multitudes. In the end, the only ones who "interrobang" more than Adrian Beltre himself are those who lay eyes upon Adrian Beltre. Adrian Beltre should be nicknamed "Interrobang," is what I'm saying.
People, Adrian Beltre is 36. That he has made it this long without being nicknamed Interrobang is a bemusing reality worthy of the interrobang itself. In defiance of our waking and sleeping dreams, he will not play this, our baseball forever. So if not now, when?
To this end -- i.e., nicknaming Adrian Beltre "Interrobang" -- I've created a Change.org petition demanding that this step be taken. The will of the people is resisted at the tyrant's peril.
I leave you with righteous hopes for tomorrow. I leave you with the generous baseball gifts of Adrian "Interrobang" Beltre.
