Know what Thursday occasions? This ...

Hills be shaken: It is indeed National Mascot Day. In honor of those secular day of obligation, let us now undertake an urgent and authoritative ranking of official MLB mascots.

In doing this, we're going to consider only the official mascots, and we're only going to rank one mascot from each team (a few clubs have more than one, which suggests a craven lack of decisiveness on the part of the organization). With that housekeeping out of the way, let us proceed at once to this matter of Internet Importance ...

T- 30. Angels, Dodgers, Yankees

These three teams do not have official mascots because they are submerged in either self-regard or rank indolence. Since they can hardly be bothered, we made a mascot for them ...

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27. Homer the Brave, Braves

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Compliment: Baseball heads are cool.

Criticism: Too derivative of No. 4. Baseball head looks like mask from movie Scream.

26. Clark the Cub, Cubs

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Compliment: Not named "Addison."

Criticism: Nude from the waist down.

25. D. Baxter the Bobcat

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Compliment: Looks like he could dunk.

Criticism: Often seems on the verge of taking a hostage, is not a snake.

24. Dinger, Rockies

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Compliment: Is a dinosaur.

Criticism: Is not a mountain. If Stanford can have a tree mascot, then the Rockies can have a mountain mascot.

23. Rangers Captain, Rangers

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Compliment: Is a horse who often wields a baseball glove.

Criticism: Breathes through mouth, takes obvious joy in hearing Cotton-Eyed Joe.

22. Screech, Nationals

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Compliment: Looks more stunned than happy.

Criticism: Clearly skipped leg day, should be named "Bill of Rights."

21. Ace, Blue Jays

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Compliment: Face matches jersey.

Criticism: Hair is too perfect, wears pant cuffs too low.

20. T.C. Bear, Twins

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Compliment: Pant-less, but has decency to wear low-hemmed jersey.

Criticism: Given team name, should be a two-headed bear.

19. Wally the Green Monster, Red Sox

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Compliment: Is named Wally.

Criticism: Never trust a man whose rear end is wider than his shoulders, wears a belt.

18. Fredbird, Cardinals

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Compliment: Is 6-feet-3.

Criticism: Pupils too dilated, rumored to feast on human heads.

17. Raymond, Rays

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Compliment: Is Craig Stadler.

Criticism: Nude from waist down.

16. Southpaw, White Sox

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Compliment: Is green, wears full uniform.

Criticism: Too wide-eyed for comfort.

15. Slider, Indians

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Compliment: Plainly not of this world.

Criticism: Has likely infectious skin condition.

14. Swinging Friar, Padres

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Compliment: Tonsured scalp, which suggests deep commitment to ascetic lifestyle; bats in sandals.

Criticism: Visage may be described as "credulous to excess." Is human, which is overrated.

13. Orbit, Astros

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Compliment: Whimsical, occasionally Gives the Business to opposing ballplayers.

Criticism: From space, which is overrated. Has no lips.

12. Stomper, Athletics

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Compliment: Mascot that most closely resembles shrug emoji.

Criticism: If you imagine his tongue as a pair of buck teeth, then he looks like a mouse.

11. Lou Seal, Giants

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Compliment: Good name, seals are cute, excellent whiskers, Horace Grant goggles.

Criticism: Wears hat backwards, for which a focus group is likely to blame.

10. Mariner Moose, Mariners

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Compliment: Is a moose, good eyebrows.

Criticism: Drives an ATV as though there's nothing left to lose ...

9. The Pirate Parrot
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Compliment: Has obvious beer gut.

Criticism: Would've made a lousy Puritan.

8. Sluggerrr, Royals

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Compliment: Obviously lifts, shoots hot dogs at people.

Criticism: Seems like a loud talker, what appears to be a crown is actually a set of prehensile appendages growing out of his head.

7. Oriole Bird, Orioles

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Compliment: Has an awesome hat, has same eyes as Huckleberry Hound.

Criticism: Has a totally mailed-in name.

6. PAWS, Tigers

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Compliment: Hair calls to mind late-career Vic Tayback, seems chill, looks like he was drawn by a child.

Criticism: Name is in all-caps.

5. Billy the Marlin, Marlins

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Compliment: Disarming body shape, welcoming smile, looks like a big buffoon (yes, this is a compliment), is a walking fish.

Criticism: Not furry.

4. Mr. Met, Mets

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Compliment: Has a baseball for a head.

Criticism: Ever-present white gloves imply criminal past.

3. Bernie Brewer, Brewers

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Compliment: Evocative of Gene Wilder, suggestive of beer consumption.

Criticism: He's not this sum buck, who, if official, would be No. 1 with ease ...

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2. Phillie Phanatic, Phillies
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Compliment: Tenured, non-sequitur-ish, generous with the pratfalls.

Criticism: Beseeching, looks like he smells.

1. Mr. Redlegs, Reds

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Compliment: Looks equally capable of getting out the vote for Tammany Hall or brawling in a cobblestone alley, eyes suggest a zeal for bedlam.

Criticism: Appears drunk as hell.

And there you have it. Please post your hearty agreements and warm compliments in the comments section.